Foiled Plans

The word “unexpected” usually refers to something that someone would not expect. But what would you call events that are “unexpected”, yet you still count on them to happen? It’s not precognition or anything, it’s not any system of belief, it’s just what it is: Things that shouldn’t occur, yet you know they will.

For a coupe of years now, I have not made any solid plans for life. I have a rough outline that I would like to follow, but there’s always circumstances that prevent me from doing so. This has made me cautious to believe in anything in long form, as my previous experiences have led me to believe that something that could go awry, will indeed do so.

I’m not a pessimist by any means, in fact I would call myself a “realistic optimist”, which I like to define as someone who looks for the better qualities in life, but does not delude themselves into unrealistic situations. An extreme example would be something like contracting a deadly disease, but not dying immediately. I wouldn’t think of such as curable, despite some claiming it all depends on your mentality, which is the biggest horseshit idea ever. But let’s not get off track here. It would be what it is, something that’s there and while I wouldn’t necessarily like it, I’d acknowledge it, and try do move on.

No, before anyone has any bright ideas: I am NOT dying, not any more or faster since birth. I’m just getting kicked in the face by life as per usual. Nothing new here. I had made some plans last year, that lasted for about half a year and now they’re crumbling, with me falling down into the cesspit again. It’s like my second home at this point, I’ve become way too familiar with and getting accustomed to being pushed around and stepped on. I do not enjoy it, it absolutely annoys me, but after calming down all I can do is laugh about such conspiring things.

I’m sure a lot of people out there are experiencing the same or similar things, but it’s become absolutely comical to me, that whenever you try get everything back into order, it never lasts for long. Someone or something creates a cause and effect that changes you from gear 3 down back, enforcing you to stop and park down. I know, I’m not being overly exact here, as that’s not really the point to begin with, but maybe I’m being too cautious and becoming the damn Riddler with this now.

Basically I’m kind of known for saying that life has ups and downs, and it’s in a constant loop of swapping between these two, which seems to be happening again. The irony here being that I’ve called it last year: “I need to step back and only have short term goals in a monthly manner, as you can never be sure with anything”. Which honestly was a good idea in hindsight, as mentally I was already somewhat prepared for any “sudden” triggers, however I was still somewhat caught off guard.

It was only about two weeks ago that I’ve mentioned my job being the definition of “cushy” and oh boy, how the tables have turned. That remark cannot be thought of as true anymore, in fact it has gone to the very extremes of it being the opposite of it. So much so that it is now absolutely not worth it anymore. Too much is expected for so little now, with toxicity levels being at an all time high, coupled with the usual incompetence of the upper management. Honestly I do not understand how every jobs I’ve had thus far has suffered from this exact situation. Like, can’t you think of something new for a change? Why am I running around in circles in different fields of work? It feels like I’m a magnet for these, despite making sure beforehand that what I would get myself into would be normal. Usually they start out like that, but not long after the small cracks start to appear, grow, and eventually bring the ceiling down. I’m literally smiling while typing this, as it’s become so surreal to me that everything has followed the same pattern as per usual. It just feels like some bad soap opera writing.

Well, what now then? To be honest, I know and I also don’t know. The clear answer is that I will change jobs, and continue from where I’ve left off. But that’s not as easy as it sounds, even job hunting has been a pain in the ass for a while, and turns out it’s for the very good reason that job portals and HR agencies deliberately fuck you over for their own gains. Usual profit oriented world, again nothing new. Just that it’s becoming really old at this point. Whatever I had in mind for the next two years is now getting delayed, with not much progress having been made anyway. I’m disappointed that is has come to this again, for the umpteenth time, but oh well. As the Japanese say: “it can’t be helped”.