Hyperfocus

I’m a person of extremes. Not in the way of personality or actions, but by simply having two contrasting levels of attention. I’m either completely on point with concentration or floating around in a bubble somewhere in deep space. It’s either or, there’s no transition at all between these two statuses. I could argue it’s ADHD or something, but that would be irrelevant in this case. In short: I’m a person who is in some cases super efficient or completely useless.

Whenever I’m unable to zero in on a task, I will do my utmost best to not even think about it and avoid it like the plague as I get all tingly inside from the fear of incompletion. However, when I’m riding on a high wave I become exceptionally efficient, breezing through whatever I need to do. But there’s always a certain moment when I need to stop and have to force myself to take a step back in order to not become detrimental to the quality of my work.

I’ve noticed from time to time, that even though I am fully enjoying myself with what I do, I’m being held back by the very thing that helps me achieve progressing further in my creative endeavors. Tunnel vision.

Usually whenever someone talks about being able to concentrate on their job / hobby / goals they’re being praised for it, as outsiders only see what’s on the surface. But no one is thinking about any potential burn outs or even about the quality in times like these, as it’s seemingly more important to actually finish something, rather than making it good. Unconsciously, this can also materialize within the creator themselves. And oh boy, does it happen often.

There’s been numerous occasions for me when I’ve fought my way through something, which by the end or simply a short while later I’ve found to be completely subpar or garbage. In cases like these I’ve noted that stepping away from the work actually helps a lot as you can get a wider field of vision by simply not paying any attention to it. I can testament to numerous occasions in which I have come up with things far more interesting while doing unrelated chores, than when I was “in the zone”. Sure, I’m not talking about it in general, but rather the time by which I’ve been already focused on something long enough that it began having the opposite of the intended effect. I could bee thinking that I’m actually taking a few steps forward, but in reality all I’m doing is staggering in place or sliding back down a slope. It’s such an unreal or rather unusual experience still, that it’s harder for me to notice it when it’s actually happening, rather it’s always in hindsight that I’m able to recognize having been a part of it.

For the past week or so, I’ve been finally back on my gamedev journey. It’s been a few weeks (months?) but I jumped back in feeling inspired and becoming productive. Pretty much every day has been spent with development and right now I’m again making progress. The good kind. As with all previous occasions, somehow whenever I come back to it after a brief (or longer) pause, I get a fresh perspective and more concise picture of what I actually want. Which still weirds me out, as I’m technically living and breathing with my work, yet I cannot simply point out why a certain idea makes sense today, but not yesterday. Yet this happens all the time.

In theory, focusing on a project will lead you to a faster and better competition, but the reality is that it’s not been the case for me at all. I do have experience in being able to finish things earlier than intended, but there’s always problems with quality in the end, where I need to spend more time on reworking the things that already exist, instead of taking my sweet time and slowly advancing forward with steady standards. I keep falling for this trap as either inner or outer pressure gets to me on a subconscious level, affecting my mentality and thus everything I do. I don’t think I can ever escape this.

But I am trying, which is something. To be honest it’s not as a grave issue as I make it out to be, after all the single thing that matters to me is creation itself, being able to finish is just the cream of the crop, a bonus in a way.

TLDR: I’ve been doing gamedev and I’ve made good progress, with additional quality of life changes that makes me happy. More exact details to come later. Probably